Now there is something to BRAG about

To bring you this newsflash, the Penarazzi has been staying up until half past nine, visiting the bank three hours before it opens to complain about ATM charges, and busting the floral numbers out of mothballs to visit local bingo games.

A new gang has taken to walking the streets — mostly walking, some are limping and others are getting about in electric scooter chairs — and this group discriminates like no other. They are known as B.R.A.G. (Blue Rinsed Agitated Grandparents) and they are a collective of angry, confused, over-medicated senior citizens.

Bluesandbarebones was the first make a slip by fondly referring to the 1980s. Most people in the Tumblr community have been comfortable in the ignorant belief that the 80s are simply a horror story told to children to scare them out of experimenting with lycra and denim ensembles, but the 80s really happened. BRAG is a positively terrifying alliance of hearing-aid-toting codgers who not only know the 80s were a real thing, but actually enjoyed living through them.

BRAG started to make waves in the TWC today when MustangKate also put out a public call for new members. It is believed that public recruiting has been required due to most of the elderly prospective members forget to attend underground recruitment drives or simply choose to knit instead.

Even more terrifying is the revelation that AQuietJoy, leader of The Coven, has taken a role high in BRAG’s hierarchy — which The Penarazzi believes is based solely on age.

So, Penarazzi readers, keep the noise down and mind your manners because you really don’t want to have anything to BRAG about.

The bare witch project

Earth moved and mountains rumbled earlier this week when The Penarazzi came out of hibernation. After the long slumber and extended silence, we needed something big to get this juggernaut of Tumblr writer journalism back into action, and that catalyst came when we discovered The Coven.

We here at Penarazzi have proudly dished the dirt on all of the organisations that lurk within the Tumblr Writing Community — and there are a lot of them ranging from feature-fixing editor conglomerates to playboy-esque Scotsmen — but this is the first time we have truly run into a fear of the unknown.

Previous scandals have revealed unknown entities like ghouls and scientific experiments on orangutans within the TCC (Tumblr Tiny Chatters), immaculate conceptions within the Tumblr Mean Girls, feature fixing  by a collection of high profile writers in the Tumblr Editorial Enclave, and countless incidents of grand larceny and general thuggery in The Devil’s Parchments — mostly, this involved Lilysofthevalley crash tackling Penarazzi cameramen and reporters — but never before has The Penarazzi discovered something that cannot be explained by general human greed or aggression, until now.

A coven, The Coven. One imagines a secret society of women and men, naked and chanting at the moon. One’s imagination would be correct.

The Penarazzi can now report that the high priestess of Tumblr’s coven has been identified as non other than Aquietjoy — a quiet oxymoron is what we would say given the amount of maniacal cackling that comes from this matriarchal witch. A Penarazzi ninja followed Aquietjoy into the woodlands where she met with many members of the controversially named poetrysluts. They removed their clothing and wrote outrageous sexetry on slips of paper to be thrown into a cauldron. Our ninja could not hypothesise the meanings of the potion and subsequent incantations, but he found himself mildly aroused, with an unnatural desire to strip naked and write something erotic himself.

These druid rituals are disturbing and none of the experts we have consulted can come up with a reason for the displays. Stay tuned to The Penarazzi as this magickal story unfolds.

"Can’t a girl orchestrate an orgy in peace?"

Jayarrarr

If that orgy used the word “peace” anywhere, it was only its homophone. It took pieces from my soul and was about as peaceful as geese bidding at an auction.

What’s this all about?

(via lyricalpuppetry)

(Source: verba-vivere)

Tags: jayarrarr

Sex, drugs, cocks & holes

This Penarazzi reporter has just returned from emptying his stomach for the fifteenth time tonight. “Go and check out these rumours of a Tumblr orgy,” they said. “Find out if it’s a euphemism for some seedy underworld dealings,” they said. “You’ll get the cover story of Penarazzi’s triumphant return,” they said. They said that, but they gave me no idea what I would be walking into, and this free-lance gig has no health insurance so my trauma counselling is coming from my own pocket.

It all started when Tumblr’s promiscuous poet princess, Jayarrarr (also a high profile member of the Tumblr Editorial Enclave), asked for the community to let their guards down and start suggesting matches. An enterprising Moaningatmidnight decided to moan at midday and throw off the shackles of one-on-one relations by suggesting a threesome, which became an orgy, which became me wasting twenty-five dollars on a dinner I retained for all of fifteen minutes.

You need have only read The Penarazzi once or twice before to know that the writing community are as horny as pin-stuck cane toads, so as soon as the word “orgy” hit the burning ears of Tumblr writers male and female, things got messy, and sticky, and messier, and stickier.

My fingers are shaking as I find myself having to recount the few minutes of the orgy I witnessed, but my journalistic integrity means I have to press on. The world must know.

I arrived at the location dressed as a furry armadillo — an ironic costume, true, but it has been well established that the Tumblr Writing Community has a furry fetish — and I was welcomed in with open arms and paws and trunks and … well, details need not be too specific. The most surprising thing was the make-up and distribution of people in the room. 60% men and 40% women, but the distribution when I arrived was surprising. Almost all of the men were vying for Jayarrarr’s attention, while the remaining ladies were left to occupy themselves.

And then the writer’s mentality truly kicked in.

"Nobody is paying attention to me, I am going to deactivate from this orgy!" came a cry. And, I don’t want to make you picture this but it needs to be said, have you ever seen a collection of furrily clad writers rush to a corner to service a furry about to leave an orgy? Picture the worst case scenario and triple it.

This sequence of events continued to happen as one writer after another would declare that they were unloved and threaten to deactivate the orgy. I am not sure how many times it happened after I feinted, but the room, the costumes and the furniture was a mess and I finally came to — I dare not think of why my costume was also soiled.

The orgy was still in full flight when I departed, shaky and nauseous, and as far as I know, is still underway.

Penarazzi readers, please, if you do one thing today, do not go to the orgy, it will change you — it has changed me, and now I must rest as best as I can without ever closing my eyes again.

Out of frying pan, into the coven

Ladies and gentlemen — those of you who stuck around, anyway — The Penarazzi is back, and we’re angry. Why are we angry? We’re angry because our voice was squashed by the dirty foot of The Man. Who is The Man? We don’t know, we could only see his foot.

We here at the Penarazzi assume The Man’s identity to be one of two things:

  1. The IOC (International Olympic Committee)

    It is well documented that the IOC is out to put a stop to any media outlet willing to tell it how it is, and ladies and gentlemen, who tells it more directly than the Penarazzi? Nobody, that’s who.

    Knowing that we were sure to bring Olympic scandals involving Tumblr writers to the fore, the IOC probably panicked and took a pre-emptive strike nine months before the Olympics even began.
  2. The Coven

    The Penarazzi was instrumental in uncovering The Devil’s Parchments and releasing the names of many of its members — Lilysofthevalley, shesanargonaut, poeticallyundead, et al — but now a new underground organisation has been formed and it is known as The Coven. The Penarazzi understands that their sole purpose is to lure male members into their S&M dens with sexetry.

    The Coven’s first public slip was with the release of a blog called poetrysluts and knowing Penarazzi reporters are everywhere, they tried to bring free media down with their womenly wiles.

The Penarazzi has returned though, and thanks you loyal members for your patience.

Spread the word, tell your friends, tell your family, tell your pets, make sure they follow Tumblr’s prime location for breaking news.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

tumblr news reading,of the penarazzi, please ignore the fact that it sounds a little like crap, it’s been a while, and I am not in the swing of things again yet. 

The Voice-

Tiny Chat love child being given to The Devils Parchments

It has come to the attention of this reporter that the love child that was concived  in the tiny chat freak accident that we previously brought to light last month, is being given to the Devils Parchments to be raised as a mini kingpin by none other than the thug of writing herself,  lilysofthefield  aka Little Lil, she was heard saying that she is going to be “getting her hands on that baby” and “raising him up right”. 

What she means by this, only time will tell, this reporter has not tried to question the parties involved, cause what kind of fun would that be anyway. 

Stay tuned for more information as there are many TTC (Tumblr Tiny Chatters) meetings that this reporter will be infiltrating to get the full scoop on what goes down, after Tumblr gets quiet.

Philately gets Rakuli nowhere
Our reporter followed the private poet through back alleys, over roof tops, round bends and circles until eventually, casting furtive glances all around, he slipped inside the storeroom of a long-abandoned post office. The Penarazzi reporter approached the building tentatively as there was no telling what would make Rakuli take such lengths to avoid notice.
Peering into a dusty window, through a small gap in the drawn curtains, the Penarazzi investigator was able to see Rakuli switch on bright lights over a desk and retrieve a heavy, leather-bound book. Surrounded by philatelic instruments, Rakuli began to arrange his stamp collection.
Our undercover Penarazzi reporter could not simply stand by and watch Rakuli perform the hideous act, he busted down the old post office’s door and snapped this photo.
In a fit of rage, Rakuli knocked out the reporter with a single, well-placed punch and used two mint-condition, Queen Elizabeth Gold Jubilee stamps, to post the hapless reporter to Buckingham Palace.
The reporter managed to send us this photo, and a description of what happened, from his jail cell in London so we could report on the dangers of approaching Rakuli while he practises philately by himself.

Philately gets Rakuli nowhere

Our reporter followed the private poet through back alleys, over roof tops, round bends and circles until eventually, casting furtive glances all around, he slipped inside the storeroom of a long-abandoned post office. The Penarazzi reporter approached the building tentatively as there was no telling what would make Rakuli take such lengths to avoid notice.

Peering into a dusty window, through a small gap in the drawn curtains, the Penarazzi investigator was able to see Rakuli switch on bright lights over a desk and retrieve a heavy, leather-bound book. Surrounded by philatelic instruments, Rakuli began to arrange his stamp collection.

Our undercover Penarazzi reporter could not simply stand by and watch Rakuli perform the hideous act, he busted down the old post office’s door and snapped this photo.

In a fit of rage, Rakuli knocked out the reporter with a single, well-placed punch and used two mint-condition, Queen Elizabeth Gold Jubilee stamps, to post the hapless reporter to Buckingham Palace.

The reporter managed to send us this photo, and a description of what happened, from his jail cell in London so we could report on the dangers of approaching Rakuli while he practises philately by himself.

Tags: rakuli

"… with an organ as massive as the Penarazzi …"

Jayarrarr. On Penarazzi reporter organ sizes

Tags: jayarrarr